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I have played the game very well I might add with the cards I’ve been dealt in a manner that would cause no one I love to suffer.
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Got back home, pulled into the driveway and never looked back. I walked back out of that shop a whole and “perfect” woman again. I got dressed, got in the car and had Him drive me to a little shop across town that carried prosthetic implants I could stuff inside my bra to disguise my mutilated chest. When I was done crying, and God I remember this like it was yesterday, I stood up, wiped away my tears, straightened my shoulders and began to devise a plan that would allow me to continue the “grand illusion”. I thought my life was over, which was par for the entire course, and I knew from that day on I would NEVER “show myself” to another living soul, whether physically or emotionally. I touched my scars, held my stomach, dropped down to my bathroom floor and cried for so many hours you can’t begin to imagine.
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Two full days passed before I was finally able to take my shirt off and I couldn’t actually look at myself for weeks. When the day finally came, I just stood there and cried.
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I knew then that my destruction was finally complete, but just didn’t know how to reckon myself with the reality. That’s when I decided to not EVER search for my missing reflection again, whether in a mirror or through the eyes of another! I just gave up. Last July, when it was finally time for the doctors to take the bandages off my chest and stomach, I came home and couldn’t even walk past a mirror, much less look inside one. “Lights, smoke, and illusion!” Please, please, please Henrik, hear what I am saying. What the hell could anyone possibly see? There’s nothing here. I felt dirty, empty and invisible. I see the way people look at me but have never really understood it. My husband found me ( or did I find him?) when I was at my rock bottom worst in every possible mental and physical way:įor 16 years I have searched for my own reflection in another person’s eyes but could never find it. I love you Catherine Williamson! Not just some of you – ALL of you! It was my equally jacked up train wreck of a beautiful disaster husband who would physically hold me in the mirror when I couldn’t see my own reflection and force me to say these words out loud: I’ve known long well that I’m a jacked up train wreck of a beautiful disaster. It’s taken all the people in the history of my timeline and the masterful compilation of their coming and going, hunting and gathering, scavenging and foraging, falling and rising, destroying and building, sinking and swimming, killing and conquering, lying and truth telling, silence and screaming, plus some perfectly imperfect genetic coding to create this glorious fucking STORM that I am. Jean-Claude Van DAMN he’s so fucking right … I AM A PERFECT MISTAKE! Subtitle harry potter and the deathly hallows part one… ’cause when it’s a 4:30am covert meeting of a phoenix, sage, and PIRATE and his ever so faithful crew, this shit just hits a little different. Subtitle Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows P720p BluRay x264 AAC Ozlem
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